PEBKAC People
This page created December, 1998. Last modified 03-Dec-2011.
The least reliable and most generally irksome component
of a computer system is the warm soft one that spends its time staring at
the monitor. In the trade, difficulties with this component are referred
to as PEBKAC - Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.
People who do technical support for a living are bitter, twisted and uncharitable.
Eight hours a day of telling people what's already in the manual while waiting
for those extra-special callers who insert Disk 2 without previously removing
Disk 1 results in a steady and inexorable progression towards a state of
depressive sociopathy.
I have done phone support. I have guided new users around ordinary windows,
and listened in awe as they forgot the difference between the top left and
bottom right corners of a rectangle. I have asked a user which disk they
had a problem with, and received the answer "The blue one". I have hit my
head on the desk, hard, over and over, while talking to a person who called
purely to explain, at great length, his whimsical view of a problem and
could not understand any pronunciation of the word "no". If I've ever said
to you that I had to go because there was a call on another line, I was
lying. And if I finished the call with "Good luck!" I always meant "You're
screwed!"
But, now that I've been out of the steaming helpline tarpit for quite a
while, I've mellowed. I've realised that users are not just a good way of
holding down office furniture which might otherwise blow away. I've come
to accept that unreasonable expectations, on both ends of the phone line,
are to blame.
Say you've just got a new computer. The important point to realise is that
what you have on your desk is a very, very, very complex machine, and it
is unreasonable to expect to be able to use it to determine the molecular
structure of transparent aluminium in the first week.
This, of course, is probably not what the salesperson said. The stores are
full of round-cornered, friendly-faced personal computers which are sold
like toasters. A person paid a commission to sell computers is not qualitatively
different from one paid a commission to sell used cars, but for some reason
buyers actually tend to believe what computer salespeople say. Verily, computer
and car salesmen differ only in that the latter know when they are lying.
If the salesman says "This one's future-proof!", he's wrong. It'll be worth
half as much in one year, and worthless in three. If he says "Going for
a big brand gives you peace of mind", he's skirting around the fact that
the most popular brands of PC clones often use proprietary components that
make upgrades difficult or impossible and repairs more expensive. And if
he says "This is the one the smart buyers are going for," he is, of course,
pointing at the fattest commission in the shop.
Do the research. Read the magazines. Remember that your friends don't necessarily
know what they're talking about. Or, alternatively, close your eyes and
hand $3000 to the next person who has a beige object to sell you. It's your
choice.
And if you're the bunny stuck with getting people up and running, resist
the urge to impress upon them that you think they have the intelligence
of aquarium snails and could crash a Game & Watch. Say instead that they
can, no matter how they feel about it, do this stuff. I just have to figure
out how to say "Hey, if you need to be hand-held though everything by me,
when you are clearly literate and the manual is actually quite good, you
must be a cretin," in such a way that the recipient of the advice leaves
enlightened and refreshed and starts learning independently.
It is true that the only stupid question is the one you do not ask. It is,
however, also true that protracted helpline dialogues are as much fun as
filing your nails with a chalkboard. One of those humiliating books with
a title like "Microsoft Word For Puddingheads" is likely to answer your
question much faster. And you'll have the knowledge that you, at least,
will not be labelled PEBKAC.
